You’ve Been Warned…

Vegan Bacon.

I’ve never been a fan of oxymorons, especially when they relate to food, and especially when they make things as wonderful as bacon sound and look absolutely horrendous. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of vegan fare; when done correctly. But there is nothing worse than someone saying “This is going to blow you away, it’s so good, and it’s VEGAN…” and then it tasting like how a dirty floor looks. Picture a dirty old leather boot. An old man boot, if you will. Now think about the tongue of that boot…picture it in great detail. See how it just sits there? Look closely at it, feel it, a little rough to the touch, bends slightly but not without a little pressure, right? Now I want you to think about cutting that dirty old man boot’s tongue out, and placing it in your mouth, and chewing it… Voila! You have vegan bacon. I kid you not, this stuff was vile. The best part is that it’s dyed a couple of different shades of brown and tan to have the appearance of real bacon, as if regular folk are going to pass it by in the supermarket and say to themselves “well…it looks somewhat like bacon, so it must taste like bacon!” that is precisely (according to me) what my best friend did last month, she may have a different explanation for her purchase, but for now, I’m saying she was under the influence of extreme hunger and everything looked good at that point; that, and she’s slightly insane. (I apologize in advance for the very shitty Iphone photos, I am working on getting a proper camera soon.)


So after making an amazing amount of grilled pitas for abovementioned best friend while we were still working together, she had me over for Singularity (post about that, coming soon!) and grilled pita. She opened her fridge up to grab some ingredients and there it was, staring at me. I pointed, and laughed my single laugh, “HAH!” I said, “What the hell is that?” She looked at me sheepishly and the only words out of her mouth were “Don’t judge me” We inspected the package and I was instantly disgusted, as I mentioned before, it was dyed different shades of brown-ish tan to have the appearance of actual bacon, frightening. Absolutely frightening. So, what do you do with a packaged food-stuff that terrifies you? Well…cook it of course! Liberating the atrocity from its confines it sort of just flopped over, sadly, hopelessly. We pulled out the grill pan and let those vegan puppies ‘cook’


We took a shot at it, and as mentioned before, it was vile. Take a look for yourself!


We thought that butter flavoured syrup would make it better, and it did! It tasted like shoe dipped in syrup, so it was perfect, we had a little fun…tearing and dipping, it still tasted like crap, but that’s ok, Notice the Stella glasses filled with Singularity in the back, it made everything all better


There are many tofu/vegan products that are quite good, I’m a big fan of veggie ground round; and dessert tofu, and soy beans etc etc…but I have to say, stay away from fake bacon and hot dogs…blarg. Moral of the story is: If you eat meat, don’t eat vegan bacon. Period. And if you’re Vegan, why would you be eating it anyway? It tastes nothing like what it’s supposed to, and it’s filled with terrible ingredients that will do terrible things to your taste buds.

You’ve been warned.


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